Tuesday, December 31, 2013

'Tis be a mighty month o' movies in the life o' this ol' salt, and it only behooves me to share it wi' me loyal mateys what waits so long fer their cap'n to return from the sea. But I hae nay shame, for I be a shameless cur. Aye, a shameless cur what loves himself a fine bit o' cinematic diversion, harrrr.

Me month o' joy does begin her quest wi' a visit to the future world o' Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Malark. Me always respected a wee wench what can 'andle a bow, and we see Katniss's bow skills in their full glory in the newest Hunger Games, Catching Fire. Me hates to be a spoiler, as they says in these modern movie parlance, but I t'were a tadly bit disappointed that in spite o' the title, there were nary a fire to be seen in the whole bloody well movie. I were lookin' aforward to two hours o' conflagratin' destruction, and aside from Katniss's gown, I nay recall one inferno. But I forgive them their misleadin', because there were plenty o' death and non-incendiary destruction. I were there wi' a slew o' Hunger Games ignoramuses who had nary e'en seen the first movie, so they was inflamed by the fact that the show just ended wi'out a conclusionary end, but I just tossed their complainin' carcasses to the briny deep, an' all were well. Me gives Catching Fire an 'earty parrot's beak up. And an upward beak, as well, to the wench what plays Katniss, speaking of folk who be catchin' fire.

Yon I went to envision the second Hobbit movie, and let a weary cap'n say that although this be The Hobbit number 2, 'tis anythin' but number 2. Please pardon the potty humor, but when a ship's stuck fer months on end in the doldrums, and yer floatin' amongst the Admiral Brown, a wee bit o' scatological 'umor be all one can muster. Me loved the Hobbit Number 2 a spell more than the Hobbit #1, for it delivered a goodly dose o' action from the likes o' everyone's favorite elf Legolas, along wi' a comely she elf, and a bit o' mixed romance a'tween the she elf and a strangely fetchin' dwarf. Me wee wenches was put off by the romance, because they be racists, and because 'twere nary in the book. But to a man who were once betrothed to a manatee before me crew got 'ungry and ate her, I were not put off by a bit o' commingling between a she-elf and a dwarf. Fer this installment o' the Hobbit, I give an enthusiastic peg leg raised to the sky.

Me final review be the tale of a frozen land what warmed the cold, black heart o' this ol' pirate. 'Tis a Disney movie, Frozen, about two princesses in Scandinavia. When me crew asked me to pillage a copy o' this movie and show it aboard the Sea Monkey, I were a bit skeptical, for 'tis a cartoon, and me thinked it were about a reindeer and other talkin' woodland creatures. Be nay deceived. I can love a cartoon about talkin' woodland creatures as much as the next ol' sea dog, but I were not in the mood for such. As she turns out, 'tis nay a talkin' reindeer or woodland creature (though there be a talkin' snowman). Frozen be all about the two princesses, and the tragedy the sad circumstance o' one havin' the magical power to freeze things. Me ol' sea mate Walt outdid hisself on this one. The music had me crew a hummin' fer leagues, and the story'll change yer life. I 'tis ain't been the same man since. One o' the princesses is even Veronica Mars doin' her own singin'. Who knew she could parlay a tune? Nay I. If ye only see one movie all year, then me sympathize fer ye. But all the same, make it Frozen. A giant bowsprit up on this'n.

And that be the latest installment from the sea. Me next movie promises to be what be considered the greatest Bollywood movie of all, Jab We Met. O' course, the greatest Bollywood movie of all time be akin to sayin' the best smellin' pirate o' all time. But me's sure I shall love it anyway. Till we sail again, be vigilant, me mateys. Harrrrrrr!