Sunday, December 30, 2012

'Tis been too long, matey.

Me jist paid heed to the troublin' fact that 'tis been near a year since I last set sail.  Harrrrr, what an outrage.  But me ship arrived in the form of an endless night o' anguish and boredom, and there be no more excuses to be mustered, so I hath no choice but to cast off and share me cinematic wiz'm wi' me mates.  But doubt nary that I's set me withered eye upon some most enjoyable treasures o' the silver screen.

I begin with a little ditty I like to call The Hobbit, which is a good thing, because that be the name o' the movie.  Me's looked forward to this tale of adventure since I were a wee'n.  Twas a time when I envisioned meself as a lovable hobbit out to save the world.  But then me discovered the fun to be had in pillagin' and burnin', and there were no lookin' back. Me found this tale to be less rich and powerful as the Lord o' the Rings movies, but there be moments o' nobility that leaves a lump in the grommet.  The Cap'n would love to find that mountain full o' gold, and when me does, I's going to buy a herd o' them giant eagles to tow me ship.  And when me do, they'll give a big beak up fer this wee movie.

Now I'll chatter a wee bit upon a recent DVD enjoyed by yer dear ol' Cap'n.  Because sometimes, Admiral Brown keeps me from sailin' far afield fro the watchful shores o' me home port.  So I were to rent Trouble wi' the Curve starrin' the ancient mariner Clin' Eas'woo'.  After the terrible things he said about thar scurvy pirate O'Bama, the Cap'n has made a blood oath to watch every movie he make.  O' course, I were a bit confused by the title, originally thinkin' it to be Trouble wi' the Scurve.  Now thar be a movie me and me one remainin' tooth can really bite down on, so I were a wee bit disappointed when me see'ed twere not about bein' afloat without a supply o' citrus.  'Twere abou' baseball, what reminds me o' a game we used to play when we'd hit baby manatees wi' a club an' try to catch their flyin' heads.  Good times they be until the manatees had the bad manners to get all endangered and spoil our pirate fun.  The movie she starts all depressin' and devoid o' hope, like a village under siege, but then Clint and his daughter Amy Adams begins to click a bit, and that blackguard what broke the heart o' poor Britney, Justin Timberlake, gets all wise and charmin', and before you realizes, the movie turns a bit happy and triumphant, leavin' ye with a swellin' in yer black heart.  So me eye patch is up.

'Tis always a big event in me life when me ol' friend and former factotum Bond, James Bond, have him a new movie.  An' this year, he celebrated his 50th anniversary wi' a new film christened Skyfall.  There be many a reference to his age and how the world hae moved beyond a need for an old school hero like Mr. Jimmy Bond.  But we are taught that a world without Bond be a world nary worth livin' in.  I 'specially 'preciated the classic Bond touches what returned to this episode, what like Q, Moneypenny, his old car, and many a nod to his history.  This movie have a particular hateful villain, because he be some kind of blonde Mexican, and the Cap'n don't be takin' a shine to that kind o' unnatural behavior.  He also seems to have a grudge again' the matronly M.  Now I loves a good grudge as much as the next  vicious pirate, but I draws the line at kindly older wenches what suffers with the macular degeneration.  There be no call fer that.  But if Dame Judy Dench do succumb to the curse o' blindness, I knows a great patchmaker.  Me good parrot Polly lifts both her talons high to the sky for Skyfall.

Finally, the Cap'n's vessel took an unexpected jaunty into a channel what led him to Here Comes the Boom, starring the Fresh King o' Queens and Salma Hayek.  People less traveled in the Barbary waters than meself does not know that Salma Hayek mean "Angel in heaven" in Spanish.  Me learned this on many a raid on Spanish galleons when me crew would yell, "Hand over them dubloons, or esta noche you'll all be Salma Hayeks."  You could smell the fear in their eyes and their pantaloons.  So the King o' Queens be a washed-up teacher who don't care about his scurvy school wi' its scurvy kids and scurvy principal.  But he make a blood oath to save the music program by bein' a ultimate fighter to raise money.  Somehow, a blow to his head mus' make him crazy, for he starts carin' about his kids.  Then an unseen blow to Salma's head makes her start carin' about the King, and the next thing you know, the Cap'n is laughin' like a Puerto Rican rumrunner and cryin' like a Bahamian schoolgirl.  This be the feel-good movie of the decade (the Cap'n sometimes be a victim o' hyperbole).  Two unexpected bloody stumps ump fer the Boom.

That be it fer this sailin'.  Me promises to try not to stay adrift fer a whole year at a time.  I be a new and better buccaneer this year.  One what cares fer the enjoyment an' enlightenment  o' his minions.  Sail wi' a fresh wind.  Harrrrrr.  

Monday, January 23, 2012

Plenty o' good viewin'

Ahoy, me mateys. By poplar demand -- and by that I means I were ordered by a tree -- I's sailin' again wi' a bevy o' luscious movie choices for yer days in dry dock. So wi'out further ado, I's be gettin' down ta bidness.

I were a little afeared o' watching Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, because o' me bad experiences wi' ghosts. You landlubbers likes to think that ghosts is jist a pleasant superstition, but we what's been asea fer months and years on end know that they's real. And they ain't pleasant. I were once haunted by an unspeakable succubus the likes o' which no man should ever encounter. Ooo, I cannae stand a succubus. So, me went to the Ghost Protocol wi' a bit o' trepidation, and what a relief 'twere to find that there was nary a ghost in the whole movie. I still nay knows what the title meant. I reckon they cost theirselves at least 100 million in ticket sales by scarin' less 'earty souls away by the title. Tom Cruise has a new team what's been discredited and accused o' blowin' up the Kremlin. So he have to prove his innocence all the while savin' the world. Plenty o' thrills and chills and clever hijinks atop the world's tallest building in Dubai and a parkin' garage in China or somewhere. That Tom sure can fall a long way without hurtin' hisself. Maybe one o' the ghosts broke his fall. Me parrot lifts her mighty claws up for everything abou' this movie excep'n the title.

Me took me weeest wench to Tin Tin, which ere based on the Belgian comic books o' yesteryear. If ye ask anyone wha' the Belgians has given to the world, they'd likely tell ye' French Fries and Tin Tin. He be that big everywhere but in my home port o' America, where we keep wonderin' when the big German Shepherd is gonna come in and save the day. Turns out, there's no German Shepherd at all. Tin Tin is one o' them newfangled cartoons what looks real, except that it be a cartoon. One o' me older wenches read all the Tin Tin books in days o' yore, so me already had a warm spot. All in all, 'tis an enjoyable adventure on the high seas with a drunken cap'n, so it warmed me black 'eart right from the get-go. And me loved the twin policemen Thompson and Thompson. 'Oo doesnae love a good Thompson? Or even a mediocre Thompson, let alone two identical Thompsons. 'Twas a unexpected bonus. Aye raise me eyepatch to Tin Tin fer wholesome good times in a world o' filth and despair.

And now fer an unexpected bit 'o fluffy goodness from yer Cap'n, me presents to ye We Done Bought a Zoo. In this one, Jason Bourne regains 'is memory and realizes he be a widowed reporter with a cute wee daughter an' a troubled teenage boy what draws disturbin' pictures about decapitations and such (I's nay sure what be so disturbin' about that, but apparently in "polite" society, it brands ye a troublemaker). So to start a new life, he up and buys an old zoo what's most prized creature be Scarlett Johansson. He learns fro' the animals, they learns fro' he, and they all learns fro' Scarlett the meanin' o' life and love and the importance o' somethin' or other. Me prides meself on 'avin' a stoic bearing, but there were times when I hae a lump in me throat the size o' Gibraltar, and when I lifted me eyepatch to itch me empty socket, about a cup o' tears fell from the void. We Done Bought a Zoo deserves all me remainin' digits up. 'Tis a goodie.

Finally, me'd be remiss if I failed to mention the best show on the wee screen these days, what's knowed as Downton Abbey. And I nay say it just because it share a name wi' the ship's mangy cur. If ye loves a good British period drama (and who dinnae?), then ye really must rent or Netflick the first season's four episodes. Then start a-watchin' the new season on PBS. Me's told you can catch up on the ones ye missed online somewheres, but don't keep watchin' the whole thing, or 'twill spoil the flow.

And thus ends another voyage fer yer Cap'n. Till next time (and me 'opes it nary be another year), be seaworthy.