Sunday, December 30, 2012

'Tis been too long, matey.

Me jist paid heed to the troublin' fact that 'tis been near a year since I last set sail.  Harrrrr, what an outrage.  But me ship arrived in the form of an endless night o' anguish and boredom, and there be no more excuses to be mustered, so I hath no choice but to cast off and share me cinematic wiz'm wi' me mates.  But doubt nary that I's set me withered eye upon some most enjoyable treasures o' the silver screen.

I begin with a little ditty I like to call The Hobbit, which is a good thing, because that be the name o' the movie.  Me's looked forward to this tale of adventure since I were a wee'n.  Twas a time when I envisioned meself as a lovable hobbit out to save the world.  But then me discovered the fun to be had in pillagin' and burnin', and there were no lookin' back. Me found this tale to be less rich and powerful as the Lord o' the Rings movies, but there be moments o' nobility that leaves a lump in the grommet.  The Cap'n would love to find that mountain full o' gold, and when me does, I's going to buy a herd o' them giant eagles to tow me ship.  And when me do, they'll give a big beak up fer this wee movie.

Now I'll chatter a wee bit upon a recent DVD enjoyed by yer dear ol' Cap'n.  Because sometimes, Admiral Brown keeps me from sailin' far afield fro the watchful shores o' me home port.  So I were to rent Trouble wi' the Curve starrin' the ancient mariner Clin' Eas'woo'.  After the terrible things he said about thar scurvy pirate O'Bama, the Cap'n has made a blood oath to watch every movie he make.  O' course, I were a bit confused by the title, originally thinkin' it to be Trouble wi' the Scurve.  Now thar be a movie me and me one remainin' tooth can really bite down on, so I were a wee bit disappointed when me see'ed twere not about bein' afloat without a supply o' citrus.  'Twere abou' baseball, what reminds me o' a game we used to play when we'd hit baby manatees wi' a club an' try to catch their flyin' heads.  Good times they be until the manatees had the bad manners to get all endangered and spoil our pirate fun.  The movie she starts all depressin' and devoid o' hope, like a village under siege, but then Clint and his daughter Amy Adams begins to click a bit, and that blackguard what broke the heart o' poor Britney, Justin Timberlake, gets all wise and charmin', and before you realizes, the movie turns a bit happy and triumphant, leavin' ye with a swellin' in yer black heart.  So me eye patch is up.

'Tis always a big event in me life when me ol' friend and former factotum Bond, James Bond, have him a new movie.  An' this year, he celebrated his 50th anniversary wi' a new film christened Skyfall.  There be many a reference to his age and how the world hae moved beyond a need for an old school hero like Mr. Jimmy Bond.  But we are taught that a world without Bond be a world nary worth livin' in.  I 'specially 'preciated the classic Bond touches what returned to this episode, what like Q, Moneypenny, his old car, and many a nod to his history.  This movie have a particular hateful villain, because he be some kind of blonde Mexican, and the Cap'n don't be takin' a shine to that kind o' unnatural behavior.  He also seems to have a grudge again' the matronly M.  Now I loves a good grudge as much as the next  vicious pirate, but I draws the line at kindly older wenches what suffers with the macular degeneration.  There be no call fer that.  But if Dame Judy Dench do succumb to the curse o' blindness, I knows a great patchmaker.  Me good parrot Polly lifts both her talons high to the sky for Skyfall.

Finally, the Cap'n's vessel took an unexpected jaunty into a channel what led him to Here Comes the Boom, starring the Fresh King o' Queens and Salma Hayek.  People less traveled in the Barbary waters than meself does not know that Salma Hayek mean "Angel in heaven" in Spanish.  Me learned this on many a raid on Spanish galleons when me crew would yell, "Hand over them dubloons, or esta noche you'll all be Salma Hayeks."  You could smell the fear in their eyes and their pantaloons.  So the King o' Queens be a washed-up teacher who don't care about his scurvy school wi' its scurvy kids and scurvy principal.  But he make a blood oath to save the music program by bein' a ultimate fighter to raise money.  Somehow, a blow to his head mus' make him crazy, for he starts carin' about his kids.  Then an unseen blow to Salma's head makes her start carin' about the King, and the next thing you know, the Cap'n is laughin' like a Puerto Rican rumrunner and cryin' like a Bahamian schoolgirl.  This be the feel-good movie of the decade (the Cap'n sometimes be a victim o' hyperbole).  Two unexpected bloody stumps ump fer the Boom.

That be it fer this sailin'.  Me promises to try not to stay adrift fer a whole year at a time.  I be a new and better buccaneer this year.  One what cares fer the enjoyment an' enlightenment  o' his minions.  Sail wi' a fresh wind.  Harrrrrr.