Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Aye on 'Ollywood

Ahoy, me mateys. And a right apology fer me extended absence. Me had a powerful case o' the scurvy and lost all me teeth. A prideful an' 'andsome man like meself cares not to be seen in such a state, so I had to take a bit o' time to acquire some new teeth. But alas, I were stuck in the horse latitudes, and it took some time to find a horse with small enough teeth to fit me.

Through it all, though, I was blessed to watch an occasional bit of filmed entertainment. So let's get right to the good stuff.

Fer the seven lubbers who hae not yet witnessed the latest Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the ‘Alf Blood Prince, mayhaps I can give you a wee look at what ye can look forward to. In this one, our beloved young wizards is in their sixth year at ‘Ogwarts. Bad things are afoot as mean death eaters is flying around with a scary trail of black smoke. They’s going around wreaking havoc in the muggle world and not respecting the boundaries between wizards and them’s of us what’s not magical.

I was personally offended at the idea of someone using magic to pillage when there’s some of us who have to work so hard to do it. Thank goodness it’s only fiction. Back at ‘Ogwarts, things are all in a bad way. Draco’s dad is in prison, and Snape has made an oath to help him complete some ominous mission. So we see that Snape’s the treacherous traitor we always thought he was, bless his black heart. There’s love aboundin’ amongst the young wizards, with broken hearts, misunderstandings, and all that rot. Someone needs to tell them house elves what cooks the food at ‘Ogwarts to put some saltpeter in the food. It works wonders on me ship, The Twisted Sister.

To make matters worse, Dumbledore has a black, withered hand. He keeps giving Harry a swirley in some bowl full of memories, so Harry can see back to the early years of Tom Riddle, who, of course, is Voldemort. Tom was a pasty-faced little crap who would have lasted about five minutes on a pirate ship, but through their molly-coddling, they let him turn into the most feared wizard of all time.

Me don’t wants to give away the ‘ole story, so I’ll just say that if Dumbledore has a black, withered hand, you know things is really gettin’ ominous.

In spite of all the rampant ominositude, there’s lots of comedy, British accents, and all the other things I love in a movie. This installment of Harry Potter holds its own and ranks right up there with the best of the series. Me gives the ‘Alf Blood Prince an eye patch and a peg leg up.

On The Twisted Sister, I’s always thinkin’ o’ ways to make for an ‘appier crew, so we got cable TV and stole a big screen TV from Best Buy (or in our case, Best Plunder) to keep the men amused. It’s got its good and bad, though. We’re well entertained, but our ship can only go about 40 feet out to sea before we run out o’ cable. But through the magic of cable video on demand, me were able to watch a low budget movie called Forever Strong.

Tis a true tale about the Highland High School rugby team in Salt Lake City. Turns out, these guys almost never lose and have won 16 national championships in the last 23 years. Course, it helps that there’s only about three schools in America what has rugby teams. So some young Arizona rugby stud who’s drinkin’, womanizin’, and well on his way to a fulfilling life of piracy gets sent to a youth prison in Salt Lake where the caring warden, played by lovable hobbit Sam Gamgee (Rudy Rudikoff), sends him to play for Highland. What happens next is impossible to predict. He hates it. He hates the coach, who preaches chastity, temperance, and honor (the vile villain!). But in time, the coach sucks the very life out of him and he starts to believe this misguided drivel.

And just like that, a promising young scoundrel is turned into an honorable milquetoast what cares more for the team than for his own selfish goals. This ol’ salt hates to see movies that glorify the corruption of today’s youth, but in spite of me own prejudices to the contrary, I kind of enjoyed this movie. Tis worth a rental, and I give it a parrot’s beak up.

Me final review is for the Nicholas Cage movie Knowing. Before I gives me review, I should warn ya that I have nay seen it. I ‘twas going to rent it, but then I heard a bunch of me crew tell me that it blew chunks off the side o’ the scuppers. It could barely be called a movie, because it moved about as fast as a ship in the doldrums. Ol’ Nick (Cage, not Satan) can see the future because of numbers. Now right there, you know there’s trouble. Who wants to watch a bunch of numbers? The ending is either interesting or as lame as me severed leg, depending on who ye ask, but the journey to said ending is just too painful. Me hook is pointin’ down fer this dog. I’s glad I never saw it.

Happy sailin’, ye miscreants.